Today, Rat Kiley, a medic, shot himself in the foot. I can understand why he was going through hell through this war. I blame myself, because maybe I could've stopped it. After Ted, Lemon, Kiowa, I just feel worthless because I don't think I'm a very good leader, and now Rat had to shoot himself in the foot, and he got flown to Japan to recover. I brought my men to the shit field and that's where Kiowa died, I blame myself for that everyday. I don't know who is going to be next. I just want this war to be over, I don't want to be here anymore. I don't know how to lead these men. Riley finally snapped and I might soon too. Also, Tim told us about her love Linda, which reminded me of Martha. It made me kind of jealous because he actually had Linda, and I never really had Martha. You can't mix love and war together, which is probably why I'm not the best leader, and because I don't want to be in this war anyways. I feel really bad that she had to die, and I don't know what I would do if Martha would die, she's the only thing that's keeping me going. I still have to photograph in my pocket.
Monday, January 18, 2010
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Why Do I Have To Do This?
Why did I have to do this? Be a first lieutenant and platoon leader. When I was a sophmore at Mount Sebastian College I signed up for the Reserve Officer Training Corps. I didn't think much of it, I just kind of joined because my friends did. Also it was worth a few credits. I never thought I would be where I am now. I had no idea. I was unprepared. I just want to go home, I don't know how to lead these men. I don't even know how to survive. I feel resposible for all these soldiers death, because my heart isn't in this war. I don't give a shit about anything about this war, which is having my men die. I wish I never joined just because my friends did, but at the time I thought I wasn't going to get drafted, but I did. I'm writing this letter to Kiowa's father, and I have no idea what to say. How should I word it, just tell him that his son died in a shit field. I have no clue. I'm just frustrated at the moment. I'm a soldier in Vietnam when I didn't even want to do it in the first place, and now I'm writing a letter to a soldier's father telling him that his son died in a shit field. I don't know what to do.
RIP Kiowa
The other day, one of my soldiers Kiowa died. He drowned in a shit field. It smelt so bad. I could barely even stand the smell, so to die in it and drown in it, I can't even imagine. Also we were surrounded by mosquitoes, which was annoying. We tried finding his body when I found out what happened because I didn't want his body to be in there any longer. Unfortunately we never found his body, I will be sending a letter to his family shortly about his death. I feel so horrible. Norman tried saving him from the shit field, but he wasn't able to. I understand, because the stink was horrible and I'm glad we only lost one soldier instead of two. Another weird story about the war was I saw a girl dancing in front of her burnt house. All of her family was dead and she was dancing in front of it. I don't really know why she would do that, but who knows. Maybe she was trying to erase what happened and danced to try to forget about all of her family burning to death. Azar was making fun of her, which I didn't think was very nice, he doesn't know what it's like to loose your family in a fire, none of us do. I'm loosing soldiers left and right. I'm really scared who's going to be next.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
My Love For Martha
My Love, Martha
Hello, Jimmy Cross here, my love for Martha is very strong. I wish I could be with her for the rest of my life. I know that she doesn't love me like I love her, but I don't care. I have her pictures right next to me as I type this, the one of her leaning against a brick wall, and her playing volleyball. I also have the pebble in my mouth that she gave me, it still tastes like salt. I imagine her on the beach with her toes in the water. I would do anything to touch her left knee at this moment, and go to another movie with her. I wish I would've been brave enough to make a move on her, other than kissing her goodnight. I think about that everyday. I know nothing will ever happen between us, but a man can dream. I will just have to get over her. Ted Lavender is dead, because I love her so much and I cannot stop thinking about her. I tremble about the thought of Ted's death. I blame myself for his death, just like any other deaths of my men. I am so sorry Ted, but I love you Martha.
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