Why Do I Have To Do This?

Why did I have to do this? Be a first lieutenant and platoon leader. When I was a sophmore at Mount Sebastian College I signed up for the Reserve Officer Training Corps. I didn't think much of it, I just kind of joined because my friends did. Also it was worth a few credits. I never thought I would be where I am now. I had no idea. I was unprepared. I just want to go home, I don't know how to lead these men. I don't even know how to survive. I feel resposible for all these soldiers death, because my heart isn't in this war. I don't give a shit about anything about this war, which is having my men die. I wish I never joined just because my friends did, but at the time I thought I wasn't going to get drafted, but I did. I'm writing this letter to Kiowa's father, and I have no idea what to say. How should I word it, just tell him that his son died in a shit field. I have no clue. I'm just frustrated at the moment. I'm a soldier in Vietnam when I didn't even want to do it in the first place, and now I'm writing a letter to a soldier's father telling him that his son died in a shit field. I don't know what to do.